Travel tips

Well, I've finally arrived in New York, after what seems like an eternity. KLM doesn't seem to have the leg room of other transatlantic flights I've been on, or perhaps it's the fact that since I was travelling on my own, not with A, I had to try to stay in my own seat rather than sprawl over into his space too. Can't do that if you don't know the people on either side of you, really.

Some aspects of today have been a little trying. I have decided that there are certain criteria that everyone should adhere to, to make the travelling process so much nicer. Here are my top tips for ensuring those around you have a pleasant trip.

1. Don't take skis. They clutter up check in and breed resentment. If you live in the UK any further south than Glenshee you have absolutely no need of them and any resort you visit will be able to hire them to you. Unless you want to have them surgically removed at a later date, leave them at home.
2. No family unit should travel with a luggage to person ratio that exceeds 1:1. You're going on holiday for goodness sake, not emigrating. How much stuff do you need?
3. No family should travel with more than 2 children. If a family has more than 2 children, the parents should split the family into 2 smaller groups to ease the passage of all burocracy. On no account should any family travel with 4 boys between the ages of 6 and 11 unless each child has been sedated.
4. For pity's sake, have a wash. Planes get hot and clammy enough as it is. There is nothing worse than having to sit for 8 hours next to someone who had their annual bath at least 3 weeks ago.
5. Don't drink excessively prior to flying for the same reason. If you can't get on a flight without downing a six-pack and 3 double whiskies, you really should consider caravanning instead.

I am valiantly trying to stay awake until 10pm NY time, but that equates to 3am UK time - I got up at 5.30am and only snoozed for an hour or so, so it's probably a losing battle. In fact, delirium may well have set in already. I am here on the 37th floor of the New York Helmsleywith the windows open. It is 9.45pm and I can hear bagpipes outside. No, really.